Poetry
I have searched the bottom of so many bottles to find the cure for this darkness growing inside me
I’ve looked through the end of many a shot glass searching for the truth yearning for the release of my grip on sanity
The shadow in my heart The scurrying whispers trickling through my brain Darkness invades Sanity recedes and I lose my mind
No more painful anguishing questions about wrong and right I fear no more I feel nothing I am free I have lost my mind | I have no authority to write about love. I haven’t nearly loved enough, been hurt enough, or bled enough.
I have not been loved close to deeply enough. Desire has not consumed me, sanity has not left me. Love is yet to own me.
I yearn to be possessed, to be claimed. To give myself over completely. And in turn, all I want is to hold your heart, in the palm of my hand.
| The deep resonant sound of your voice, calms me, and quiets me.
It smooth’s my easily ruffled feathers.
Is this not Love? |
His smile, causes the sun to shine. His eyes light up, brighter than all the stars. His voice, deep and resonant like the soft rolling of thunder. The way he walks, sureness in every stride. The gentle, graceful movements of his hands.
It causes my heart to stop, and start again, until I can barely breathe, at every sight of him. Have I loved before this day? | My heart sighs a sigh of such longing, and my soul cries out in desperate need every time you are near | He was the universe. And I, just a girl, too afraid of heights to take the leap of faith |
None of us escapes our first love unscathed. No love will ever run deeper, or ever reach all the way to the very dark recesses at the very bottom of our hearts.
And forever after all that love us must be content to be loved through the scar tissue in the remnants of the pieces of the heart left behind | I saw you again today
From across a room blue gray
from being filled with smoke
With the smell of whiskey and sigarettes
heavy in the air
And still You shine
| In considering the words I write …
Some are beautiful, some are not. Some are strange but none are meaningless not to me
They are all pieces chipped from my sou |
I am a self-destructive force,
spinning out of control.
I have created inside me
a race between insanity and death
and all that remains
to be seen
is who will be the first
to cross the finish line
and claim me for their own. | Time … is such a strange concept I ponder late at night while listening to the slow steady beating of my heart.
I can’t help thinking maybe all that I’m doing is giving my heart time to learn how to die. | He is the night-sky. And every star, is a heartbeat that my heart is beating just for him.
And my heart swells bigger than the moon with every breath with every day that I hold this love for him in my heart. |
You are a careless man. Careless with your charm, with your affection, your easy smile, and twinkling eyes.
You are a careless man. Careless with your words, your empty promises, your useless flattering and your irresponsible praise.
You are a careless man. Careless with my heart, you draw me near, you pull me in, pretending that you care.
You are a careless man. Making me love you, but every time I turn around you are gone, to where something else caught your fancy. You are a careless man. And I am a fool. But I am a fool, who does one thing very well. I harden my heart. | I love it when you put
your serious face on.
All scrunched up
and business like,
peering at me over
the rim off your glasses.
It leaves me a little bit
breathless, somewhat undone.
Completely and utterly
at the mercy of your whim. | You’ve broken me, you’re such a bad boy. And I’m just a girl who offered you my heart, shining and full of love.
And just like a bad boy, you took it, carelessly, tossing it all about. And then when you dropped it, you offered me the broken pieces like some consolation prize and walked away. |
I stand where shallow water runs deep
And in the heavy pregnant silence there is danger even in the cooling caress of the breeze the soft rustling sounds of the leaves the gently falling rain is weeping like a soul that grieves
And the deafening silence envelopes me with dread
Soon come the rapids. |
No words of longing,
desire or love
has passed your lips.
Your eyes follow me,
and in them I see
all the things you
have yet to say.
But what if I only
see in your eyes
what I know shows
so clearly in mine?
|
We are all standing at death’s door. Knowing not when or how that door will open for the otherside to claim us. Some of us will be snatched through that door in the blink of an eye. Others may linger awhile. It matters not. We must all pass through that door.
Death does not look at the colour of your skin, your treasures or wealth. There is no bargain to be struck, no love that can save you. In the end, death comes to us all. We are all just standing at death’s door |
You have no right to make me want you need you love you And then to turn around and act all indifferently. You have no right.
You have no right to lay claim to my loyalty
my devotion my heart And to carelessly act as if none of them matters. You have no right. |
I am the memory keeper. I remember every insult, every harsh word, every hurt. I remember all the broken promises, empty nights and lonely days. And if that were all I could free myself from you
But I also remember every belly-laugh, every secret smile and stolen kiss. I remember long easy conversations, hours passing in the blink of an eye, and time standing still. If I could separate the good memories from the bad, I could break free, I could let go.
But that’s not how I love. I love everything equally the same. The good and the bad are so intricately woven together to form this person that I find so easy to love. The one I break for without thought of consequence or foresight of remorse. |
Where dreams die
And I sigh a sigh of such misery that it will surely dampen the stars, stop the sun in its tracks, steal the roar of the thunder and the brilliance of the lightening. It is filled with every desire of my twisted heart. All my hopes and dreams of you. Every unkissed kiss, every untouched touch. All the longing, all the aching, captured in one devastating sigh. And on this sigh, I let you go.
And I’m left, empty and broken on the stone cold floor in this heart-wrenching silence. Too numb to shed a tear. Too worn-out weary to try and form a word; or sentence. So let the silence claim me and carry me on dark and damaged wings to the darkness and the stillness beyond. To that graveyard of empty hope, broken hearts and lonely souls, where dreams go to die. |
Hush Now
Hush now. Do not disturb this silent moment of utter quiet before the storm. This quiet repose, this moment of truth and unbearable clarity before sanity recedes.
Hush now, let me be. Let me hide here, behind this wall of quiet, behind the safety of silence. Where my mind is sane, and thoughts are still clear. This instance of peace for my bone-weary soul. | Bring me all your broken pieces, all your self-loathing, guilt, failures and shortcomings.
Give me your insecurities, your dark desires and secret passions. And I will love them all.
And love you all the more because of them.
And because you laid your soul bare before me. | The voices in my head
Can all of you just shut up.
You with your whiney remorse and tearful pleas. And you with your I told you so’s and endless reprimands.
Just shut up, all of you, with your constant bickering and useless advice.
The endless debate about the thin line between right and wrong. The black and white of it all, and the shades of grey where they overlap.
Just quiet down and give me a moment of peace. |
Let me love you I will love you with all the darkness in my soul. With all my insecurities, self-loathing and dark desires. I will love you with every insane thought of my broken mind. With all the cold indifference of my twisted heart. I will love you like I’ve loved no other, with all the broken pieces of myself. And if you just let me, I promise, no one will ever love you more. | No one ever fights harder or dirtier than me, when I fight with myself. I open old wounds and I make me bleed from hundreds of forgotten wounds. I cut deep, and then I find a strange solace in watching the blood flow and I revel in the salty taste of my tears
| I want to turn of all the stars And blow away the moon A sun must only shine on Mars Another daybreak mustn’t happen soon
If nation stood up against nation And the Earth turned into an endless war Then everyone must hear my declaration That of all this love is the cause
Let darkness rule a thousand years Not one single light must shine If I could drown in my own tears I might forget you were once mine
The rain must turn into acid And burn holes wherever it falls So it can wipe out everything I did And nothing will matter at all
Then let all the birds be silent And all the flowers must die The wind must be so violent That I won’t hear the Angels cry
Let tornado’s flatten everything And volcano’s erupt endless fire Weeping Angels must carry the dead on their wings And never let me forget that love is a liar
Let hail and thunder destroy the rest And floods wash away the evidence of my sin Sickness and disease must reign like pest In the end chaos must win
There must come an end to all leniency Wrath and vengeance must rule For me there will never be mercy I’m just another one of love’s fools
Let all the oxygen turn to poison So that everything can be dead To lose a love is enough reason No apologies need to be said
Tear all the planets from the universe Let it be known that a lie lies within every truth And the name of love is an endless curse Then maybe my pain will be soothed
Finally lighting must tear the world apart And the sea must cover all dry land Only then tear out my heart For this pain I cannot stand |
Hello Misery, my old Friend You’ve come to haunt me in the end In the silence you’ve been waiting to hear the sound of my heart breaking
Misery you’re my only friend Our unspoken rule I tried to bend Foolishly I believed I could be loved Of my pain you’ll never get enough
Dear Misery, why did you wait so long Before you did me another wrong It wouldn’t have hurt so much If I never felt his loving touch
Misery, this time you have won You took away the important one Your laughter is consuming all Up to my last teardrop that may fall
Oh Misery, will it never end How I still call you friend You’ve taken everything I had In the end you’ll surely drive me mad
Misery, I hate you my old friend This time my heart cannot be mend I lost a wonderful dream that came true And in the end all I have is you | From this day on ‘till my last tear has been cried and all my laughter has died my pain will not have gone and I’ll be missing you
From the break of today’s dawn ‘till my last day on earth starts when they tear out my heart and I finally can’t go on I’d still be missing you
And if it’s in heaven that I walk with streets of gold beneath my feet where there’s no more hunger or need and if to all the angels I could talk I’d still be missing you
When all the stars are dead and even the moon has gone away when the sun won’t shine another day and all over darkness has been spread I’d still be missing you
And if a thousand years has gone by and while eternity run it’s course but my soul is still without yours then no matter how hard I’ll try I’d still be missing you | Ek wil nie ‘n held wees of onbeskryflik spierkrag hê nie Ek wil nie gedagtes kan lees, onbreekbaar wees, of kan vlieg nie Ek wil nie vinniger as die wind wees of myle vêr kan sien nie.
Al spesiale kragte wat ek vra, is as jy my sien jy na asem snak, miskien jouself so bietjie laf gedra, met jou knieë skielik lam en swak.
Jou hart vinniger en stadiger laat klop Jou gedagtes deurmekaar krap Jou in jou spore laat vassteek en stop Jou laat laagvat en hoogtrap.
Ek wil jou obsessie wees Jou ewig en altyd Jou hart se wens Jou hart se klop
Want dis presies hoe ek oor jou voel |
My hart wil wortel skiet, en bly hier waar jy naby is. Wag dat jy my raaksien, my wil vat en my joune maak.
Maar my kop wil weghardloop Vlerke sprei en vlug, na onbekende plekke en vreemde mense waar jou totale onbetrokkenheid my nie meer kan folter en verniel nie.
Die oor en weer getwis tussen my hart en my kop gaan my stapelgek maak | Ek weet van harte wat gelykop breek,
Van siele wat indiepe wroeging sweet
Van stilte en rus vir die siel wat ontbreek
Ek weet van leuens in waarhede versteek
| Douvoordag staan ek stil-stil op, die bed is warm, maar die vloer nog koud. Dis half donker, die son nog nie op.
Versigtig-saggies sluip ek katvoet, deur skemer vertrekke en donker kamers, die enigste geluid ‘n voel se môregroet.
Rasper bietjie kaas, sit die oond aan, klits bietjie meel, eiers en olie, en neurie sag terwyl ek in die kombuis staan.
Bordjies reggesit, koffiebekers ook, Kaas muffins, appelkooskonfyt en egte botter. Wag net vir jou dan kan die ketel maar kook.
Sterk arms wat warm om my vou, jou stekelbaard kielie my wang, jou sterk hande vryf saggies oor my rug.
‘MMmmm, dit ryk lekker Lief’ fluister jy, jou lippe warm-tergend teen my wang. En die hele wêreld buite wat op ons wag.
……. Goeie Môre
|
Love has no quantity. It is measured in the obscure.
When you love, you don’t bite down quite so hard.
You soften your touch You gentle your brow, and quiet your voice. | Jy’s soos die wind,
dwarrel hier, waai daar,
skop stof op om my voete,
terg my rok se soom,
krap my hare deurmekaar
warrelwaai my gedagtes uitmekaar
en tuimel my hart ondestebo en agterstevoor.
Jy’s soos die wind. | My hart is vry …
My siel lê aan bande
My gees is gebreek
My liggaam gefolter
Maar my hart,
My hart is vry.
|
It’s bleak, this life.
Boring and Dull
Mundane and uninspiring,
since you’ve gone.
You’ve gone and left me. Left me to this.
This second rate existence.
And I’m lost, so lost and drifting, anchorless and untethered
I’m lost
How do I? What do I? When do I live again?
| I’m up, I’m down. I’m all twisted and turned around.
I’m not quite me, I’m the mirror image of someone I used to be.
Something’s off, Something’s wrong. I’m out of control. I’m spinning, I’m all broken and bent.
Can’t you see? Don’t you know? Do I have to spell it out? Why aren’t you saving me?
Don’t you see the horror behind my eyes? Hear the desperation in my laugh? Does the sacrificial drum beat only for me???
Save me, I’m dying here! I’m drowning right in front of you.
I’ve broken the real me, I’m losing my mind, and I’m spinning out … and out Why aren’t you saving me?
| Jou liefde is soos water, in die woestyn Balsem vir my gemoed
Jou liefde is soos die berge, standvastig en trots Dit vat my na nuwe hoogtes
Jou liefde is soos die reën, nostalgies en nadekend Dit bring ‘n stilte in my gemoed
Jou liefde is soos ‘n storm angswekkend en opwindend Dit maak ‘n vuur in my wakker
Jou liefde is soos trane oor my wang Bittersoet en helend
Jou liefde is soos die see dit kom in golwe En ek verdrink in jou
|
I lie awake at night alone on my bed looking out the window at the night sky. So many stars,
and, Oh, the moon.
And I wish upon the moon, and on every single star that there is someone out there
Someone kind and funny strong and handsome gentle and passionate
Someone for me Someone to love me Someone for me to love
For I walk alone
Always the odd one out the third wheel left outside in the coldand I’m weary and alone
So I wish for Someone for Me |
Jinne, ek is só oor jou Kaalvoet, Platvloers, klaar gevat, buitendien Ek stamp my kop blou, ek verloor koers, en voor ek weer kan sienstaan ek hiervoor jou deur
Jy begin my nou verveel, altyd aan die kuier, vat hier, los daar En ek hou mos nie van deel Ek strompel, Ek stuier, en kort voor lank sowaar,staan ek hiervoor jou deur
Jy krap my kop om Jy’s bar en banal Jy’s glad nie goed vir my Naby jou is ek heel dom Ek is klaar, dis nou finaal en tog as ek my weer kom krystaan ek hiervoor jou deur
Jy’s alles wat ek nie wil hê Maar ek droom van jou hande warm op my lyfen al die stoute dinge wat jy sê Ai, en daai gap tussen jou tande kan ek boeke oor skryf Maak oopek staan hiervoor jou deur |
Ek is verlore, rigtingloos, amper bedwelmd Ek loop in alles vas heeltemal van balans af Ek strompel, ek stuier sonder jou is ek die pad byster die kluts kwyt Ek vat hier, en los daar Maak koffie wat koud word op die kas Begin ‘n boek lees, en sit dit weer neer Ek krap ‘n paar verse en skrap dit weer Niks rym nie, niks maak sin nie Ek sit en staar na niks vir ure aaneen en is verstom om te sien die dag is verby Nog ‘n dag sonder jou om my voor te berei op die res van my lewe
Die werk maak dinge soms beter, syfers in rye rangskik, boeke balansseer trek my gedagtes af, dan ek asem haal en vergeet hoe leeg die huis is sonder jou My vriende bel, wil kom kuier maar ek wil hier in stilte sit en verlang
Ek wil nie die herinneringe aan jou versteur nie, wil alles los nes dit was al maak dit seer om dit te sien Jou koffiebeker op die bedkassie Die boek wat jy halfpad gelees het langs die bank Jou klere in my kas, skeermes op die wasbank se rand Dan kan ek myself dalk oortuig en soms glo dat jy nou-nou hier gaan instap, dat jy oppad huis toe is
Môre sal ek beter wees, beter doen, by alles uitkom, alles klaarmaak. Môre sal ek weer begin leef, aangaan met my lewe, uit die huis kom, ou vriende gaan opsoek Môre sal dinge beter gaan, maar vandag verlang ek te veel |
Sondag middag
Kombersie op die gras onder die groot eikeboom in die hoek van die erf
Lê ek met my engelse digbundel jy met jou koerant soms lees ek vir jou ‘n strofe en jy vice my ‘n versa
en so gaan die tyd verby | Gekneus en gekwets Gebroke en oorwonne Gestruikel en gevalle
Bloeiend en afwagtend Huilend en kermend Verlief en verlore
Ek’s blou, pimple en pers Trotsloos, weerloos in jou mag Afwagtend, huiwerendvir jou salwende jammer-soenblomme-opmaak en leë beloftes
Tot volgende keer
wat ek jou wette oortree
|
I haven’t looked at the stars I haven’t seen the moon The sun has been shining But I haven’t felt the warmth The seasons have changed There have been flowers It all passed me by I’ve been getting over you Like someone walking a long distance placing one foot in front of the other keeping my head down breathing in, and breathing out I haven’t lived I’ve barely existed I’ve been getting over you Step by step One breath after the other Until today Today I looked at the stars
|
To me, madness is in the ordinary I love my mundane routine Labouring to pay the bills, paying the bills to survive in a cruel, cold world Being the responsible adult The Good Girl, doing the right thing I am good at what I do, loyal to a fault, a good man in a storm And sometimes late at night when sleep has yet to claim me I believe this is the reason for my insanity
Sometimes I laugh too hard, I drink too much, I swear, I lie and I cheat I run when I should walk I fight and argue and I always say the first thing that comes to mind I trust, and I love too deeply and mostly obsessively and in secret Then I bleed from my broken heart way too much My scars run deep but it is on them that I count the reasons for my sanity
Maybe … Just Maybe …
I’m both sides of the coin
|
This is madness It is lunacy My mind’s been taken over My thoughts are alien, like whispers from a stranger
This is your fault You invaded me You possess me My mind turns to you By body crave your touch
I yearn for you I miss your face My heart ache for you Even in my sleep I dream of nothing else
Is this love? This horror? This invasion? Am I now a mindless fool, a puppet on a string? |
I break.
Not on the rocks of your indifference
Nor the carelessness of your charm
Neither your oblivious disregard,
nor your blatant ignorance
has as much power to break me
as the expectations in my mind
The yearning in my soul
and the stubborn, stubborn love in my heart |
Ek voel grou, iets soos ʼn kleur tussen grys en rou Dis die gevoel in my kop die gedagtes wat ek nie kan stop Dis daar waar jy bly, ag wanneer word ek vry? Grou, grou, grou in my onderbewuste en nêrens kom niks tot ruste Ek voel grou. |
Een Ibuprofen drie Allergex en twee Excedrin afgesluk met whiskey in die hoop dat dit die gat in my bors waar my hart eens was sal laat ophou klop van die pyn en dat ek vir ʼn oomblik my kop kan neerlê en net rustig kan slaap sonder om te verlang, te droom, of te hunker na jou. My oë raak swaar die slaap wil my kom haal en deur my kop refrein:
“O, Vaak Klasie vat my hand Lei my oor die afgrond se kant As jy vir my kan sê waar my hart verpletter lê Vaak Klasie vat my hand” |
There are days like this when my emotions barely break the surface of my soul
Then there are other days when everything I feel cuts right through the core of every fibre of my being
Whether I feel too much or not nearly enough I’m always left feeling supremely inadequate |
Gister
Net Gister nog het die son vir my geskyn en die helder kleure van al die blomme saam met die vreugde van die blou blou lug Het my geluk en liefde deur die wêreld uitbasein. Nou staan ek hier vandag, heeltemal verstomme Want gister is pas verby, en vandag is ‘n klug.
Net gister nog het die voeltjies vir ons gesing waar ons skemer hand and hand wandel met die geur van vars rose orals om ons heen Wie sou kon raai wat more sou bring Dat ons voete sou struikel en ons wêreld sou kantel Gister is ons liefde veraai, vandag is ek alleen
Net Gister nog het ons op ‘n verskietende ster wense gemaak van ewige liefde en trou en drome gedroom oor die toekoms wat op ons wag. Maar vandag is al daai drome baie ver, En elke wens ‘n bitter smaak van berou Want Gister is verby, en vandag huil ek sag |
